Loosing the baby – the scariest thing that I could possibly think of
I had been trying to convince my partner to create a baby with me for a while before the pregnancy. He wasn’t interested, so when my period was late he was getting a little worried. Five days late and he asked me if I wanted to take a pregnancy test. I was pretty sure I was just late, I didn’t feel pregnant. I did a pregnancy test… pregnant, whoa. It was early January when we found out, and I have an early January birthday. Happy birthday to me!
The month went on. My pants got tighter. I definitely felt bloated and chubby. I hadn’t seen anyone for pregnancy confirmation. I was still surprised and getting used to the pregnancy. I did asses the color of my vulva, for pregnancy confirmation. It was bluish/purple. This is one of the earliest signs of pregnancy. The color changes from pink (non pregnant) to a darker more blue color, which is due to extra blood flow and hormones. So, ya it was happening.
The only person I had told about the baby was my sister. She asked me an interesting question. She asked what I was the most scared of. I hadn’t thought about that before, but I guessed that loosing the baby was probably the scariest thing I could think of. It is interesting how things happen… just a few days later I had to deal with my biggest fear – miscarriage. I never imagined that it would happen to me. I had only been pregnant once before and that ended up fine, so miscarriage just didn’t seem like something that would happen to me. I didn’t know anything about miscarriage, I hadn’t even started studying it in school. I was definitely not prepared for what happened.
Five o’clock in the morning, valentines day, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I felt fine but I had liquid forceful diarrhea – and a little blood. Weird because the night before, at work, I had noticed a little blood staining also, like the beginning of a period. I went back to bed… or at least I tried to. I was up again with more diarrhea and more bleeding. Oh no! Then more, every time I had a push of diarrhea the bleeding got heavier. It was my body trying to get something out. I started researching miscarriage and found out that any bleeding in pregnancy is not good. I was miserable and horrified. I had wanted this baby for so long. It was hard for me to let go, I was playing with the idea that the baby was still alive. I kept bleeding though, no matter what I was trying to convince myself of.
I was very emotional, sad, confused. I didn’t know what to do. I thought a hot shower might help me feel better. I got into the shower and apparently had it way to hot. I went into shock. I called out to my boyfriend. He shut off the shower and somehow I ended up sitting on the shower floor in my own diarrhea. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t talk. My boyfriend was trying to talk to me, but I just stared at the wall. He said my mom was there. She had come by just by chance. I somewhat snapped out of it and called out for her. I explained what happened to me, the miscarriage. She didn’t even know I was pregnant. She said I was going to be okay, it had happened to her once. I didn’t know why it was still happening… She said, “Honey they last for days.”
My boyfriend had to help me get out of the shower, because I couldn’t move. I couldn’t form words or sentences correctly for about 30 minutes after the shower and shock incident. This miscarriage was so hard for me. It didn’t hurt. I just couldn’t let go. I didn’t let go. I wanted a baby even more after this sudden pregnancy and then sudden loss.